This New Journey

So, its been a over a month since I've been home. Tomorrow makes 2 months since mom left. Not now- but there are times that piece of reality hits me hard. A couple of weeks ago it hit me in the cereal aisle of the grocery store four blocks away from where I live. There, in front of the Captain Crunch, I went clean off. On God. Angry. Enraged. Fortunately for others, this lament went on in my head. I don't know how long I stood there- There with the bright harsh fluorescent lights above, the vivid colors of Fruity Pebbles, Tony the Tiger, and all things representing the childlike 'carefreelessness' of a Saturday morning crunching- with milk and no worries- I grieved. And, I grieved hard. I continue to grieve hard.

Because I valued my mother. I loved her. Adored her. Heeded her advice. Cared for her. Cleaned her. Fought for her. "There are people who don't value other people, let alone their own mothers!", I yelled at God. I LOVED MINE. Why??? Why, when I offered my suffering for her suffering? How could I give so much and have so much taken from me?
And, she suffered. She suffered tremendously. Her going was not a smooth one. Maybe in the last hours, but there were years, YEARS, of torment. So, I dared God to get mad at me. Because its not like we did not ENDURE. Oh, we endured, all right. So, HE (or SHE) was going to endure my rage.

Much has gone on since I've last written. Mostly, inside of me. There's a fiery sea churning about. A tempests of sorts. This would not appear so on my surface, but it is truly evident in my soul- coursing through my veins.

I've always found the metamorphosis of the caterpillar intriguing. But, not in the way most school children observe. You know, with cutesy songs of the transformation and colorful pictogram's illustration the stages. I was always intrigued with the process because I imagined the cocoon stage as mysteriously violent. Not violent in the most monstrous of ways, but, indeed violent in a certain catastrophic way. To go from this earth bound creature with its gazillion little legs and its methodical energy exertion of a crawl to a thin, light winged creature was so astounding to me. To the curious, head-tilting-to-the-side, human eye- the cocoon is silent, barely moving. Most children will wait, often impatiently, for the crinkling debut. But, to me, the sheer silence of that chrysalis stage signaled to me that something must be happening deeper...the cocoon- a claustrophobic pressure cooker for some event happening explosive on the cellular level...This is no mere debut as a dainty creature. Snakes shed their skin, so can spiders, lizards can detach parts- but to completely change the entire structure of who you are and emerge different- that is some sort of nature sorcery at work. And, it is that special alchemy of spirit I've always respected about the Butterfly.

There's an alchemy at work in my soul right now. I don't what the mixture contains or what I'm becoming. All I know is that I get angry at God while buying cereal, people irritate me easily, I haven't had one of those 'dreams' where she comes and talks to me and I'm getting childishly impatient at this. I can sleep for 9 hours straight and crave more and still, I'm tired all day.

I can feel the prick of winter coming. I know its early. I'm not hibernating. I'm 'cocooning'. And, right now, I'm a little wistful- I don't know what kind of creature I'm going to end up being (or uncover, for that matter). But, I will allow myself to surrender to the Change- in all of its catastrophic glory.

I have no choice. This is my destiny. These are the cards I've been drawn.

I surrender to nature's magick.