Four Points

I woke up with a knot of anxiety in my stomach. Been waking up like that for the past week and a half. My eyes open and I sense that I'm not in any immediate danger or chaos and I have to consciously remind myself to breathe the knot out and relax. Everything's okay, I tell myself...

But, that's not entirely true. Everything in not okay. But, I don't overload myself with that thought in the moment- I just tell myself that in THIS particular moment- me in bed with my six pillows all over me- I'm okay. Breathe. At least you have these four points.

I believe every living human being should have four points that are just their own. Four corners they can call their sanctuary, large or small, that you share with no one. If you own your own home or live in apartment by yourself, you know the joys of having four points to call your own. If you live with others, family, your children, roommates!, then hopefully, you have your room. Even if you have a spouse or significant other, perhaps you claim your four points in the bathroom or an office- somewhere! Even a bed shared with no one can be your four points. A place to find solace and space.

I'm trying to make my four points as inviting and serene as possible. This week I purged my closets and shelves. I threw out or donated books I was never going to read, books I'd like others to experience, movies that I could just Netflix, clothes that no longer fit, and any other excess. It felt like a detox. Recently, I bought new vanilla colored soft sheets with a creamy lavender duvet cover for my down blanket. This was well overdue and the beginnings of a sensual promise I made myself for the new year (more on that another time). I cleared my desk and minimized it contents (distractions) to invite a well-awaited creative spirit. I have altars (another four points) that I created for meditation outside my self-made desk. One honors some of my mom's precious things. I cleaned them all and put things back slowly, with a present awareness. I reached high, dusting. I vacuumed. I washed my threshold in salt and cleansed all stagnant energy out and away. Today I will open my window to release any remnants.

A big feng shui move- I took my mother's special box with more of her memories from under my bed and found an honored spot high on a shelf to place her. This was a significant move for I have been plagued with awful nightmares over the past few months. That special box needed to be somewhere else- exalted, and not underneath my four points. My four points are for me and me only.

Speaking of dreams (or rather nightmares), I had one a few nights ago. This one was not so much of a nightmare as some of the others I've had of or about mom, but more unsettling and uncomfortable. The more I think of this dream, the more I become at peace with underlying feelings...

...I was with my mother and sister at our childhood apartment. Jennifer was sleeping and mom was about, seemingly healthy though not grounded. Was unsure of her placement there. I was hungry and wanted to go out to get food, not content with foraging inside, but kept procrastinating- getting distracted by things. Outside it looked as if it were going to rain soon. "I should go NOW", I thought. But, for some reason I didn't seize the opportunity. Soon, I started to hear the rain and could see it slightly through the blinds. The trees and landscape had a bluish green look to it. "Ugh, now I have to go out in the rain" was my thinking, especially when I purveyed our at home options. Good options. Certainly was not going to starve. Just was not satisfied with them. And, for some reason, hearing the downpour become heavier wasn't swaying me. I get dressed and prepare to go and when I open the front door, I am taken aback by complete quiet blanketed with a milk white thick mist. This mist was thick and bright, but I could not see arms length through it. The opaque thickness moved slightly. It was so heavy and came right up to the front door. I started to feel anxious, trapped. Didn't want to stay in, I was fired up already with the determination to go out. But, the mist was so thick that I'd be completely blind. I knew how to get down the stairs. After all, this was my childhood home. Could feel the way there. But, beyond that?! What if I got lost and could not come back?! Did I really need this 'other meal' that much? Was it worth the effort? Apparently, I did. At least enough not to shut the door because I stood there at the threshold, trying to 'SEE' through the fog, pondering my options...trying to move myself to go forward.

That's how the dream ended. I woke up unsettled. The feelings I felt were slightly akin to what I felt arriving way early for my return flight back to New York earlier this month. Having much time, I wandered into a touristy New Orleans shop wanting to buy something. I was settling on a t-shirt when I noticed all of these New Orleans magnets. I started to choke up. My mother adored and collected all kinds of magnets and they found sanctuary on (one of her four points)-an upright freezer. Now, I see my mom in everything so there are triggers everywhere- but for some reason I got really anxious and overwhelmed by emotion. So much so, that I had to ponder if I would need to run out of the shop. I quickly made my purchase and walked to the gate realizing why I was overwhelmed. It was the first time since her death that I 'walked alone'. My sis and family came to NYC with me shortly after the funeral.....I had the sweet anticipation of seeing family and friends for a bittersweet holiday...I looked forward to the special New Year's Eve ritual that Jennifer and I had planned....I even had the hope that I would see a certain guy.

But, there at the airport, all these things were gone. Part of a recent past, yes, but the past nonetheless. The road that lay ahead was misty, alright- healing that would take place in its own precious time, lusty goals that require extreme vulnerability, and adventures unknown. There I walked towards them stripped bare- no future plan to see family soon that was set in stone, no distractions. No Anchors nor Assurances. Just the pure and raw clay that I am.

And when you feel like you are raw clay being an action driver woman like myself- you can get overwhelmed trying to mold yourself. Curses and laments to the higher powers ensue when you get exhausted working with raw materials that hurt when you move them. I AM HUNGRY for something else. I just don't know how to move forward in the thick of it all sometimes.

And, that's when it just hit me. Literally- just now. When you are clay, ready to be molded, standing at the threshold of a mist that envelops your world in silence, perhaps the action you take is that you stand there and just Listen. When you are clay, instead of molding, allow yourself to be molded. Just Listen. It moved me from my bed to desk today. From one four points to another.

Right now, I am satiated with that.