We laugh in the dark.

A few nights ago, the most peculiar thing occurred.

I was watching Training Day in bed and it was approaching some time after 1am. During the movie, I thought I smelled something weird. After the time reached 1:30 am, I opted to finish the movie the next day. As soon as I turned the tv off and it retreated into instant darkness, I sat up and thought, "Mom's gone".

This happens alot. These pockets of moments where it hits you hard- the realization. Instead of distracting myself with a mad dash to prepare for bed, I decided to sit up on my bed and 'sit' with this. For a few moments, I went back into time to last summer till movement to my left caught my eye.

I winced, not fully looking but using my peripheral vision, already knowing what it was. I had reported a potential mouse sighting to one of my roommates nearly two weeks prior. I turned my head to get a look and there it was between my radiator and trash can. I adjusted my weight on the bed trying to decide if I was gonna make a mad dash to wake one of my roommates or sit tight to see the critters next move so I wouldn't lose its whereabouts. But, when I shifted, I was surprised it didn't scatter since they are so inclined to be freaked at the slightest noise or movement. And, that's when I peered closely. It was acting very unusual. In fact, it was writhing, turning over left and right, like it was having a bad dream. I looked even closer and could tell it was in some sort of pain though it made no sound. Then it hit me...

I was watching this mouse die.

I leaned back, but only a little, because still I was curious- having accepted this truth. It writhed a little more than curled into an upper case 'C'. Knowing that was it, I leapt from my bed in one movement, ran out of the door (with haste-I don't know why) and went to decide which of the 2 roommates I would wake. Hearing one's tv still on I knocked gently. He opened and I told him what happened. He got a glue trap (recently brought over by our exterminator along with traps and potential poison that was set out). My roommate planned to pick up the body with the glue trap. Before he did, he told me the mouse was definitely dead and that its eyes were dilated. And, out it went.

I called my sister immediately.

I recently took a Grief Dreams workshop and Jenn and I concluded that what we don't deal with in the waking world that truly affects us will just manifest later in the dream world- with the dreamer (a subconscious version of yourself) persistently trying to 'awaken' you to deal with what you didn't make time for. I tell my sister all that happened with the poor little critter including my reasoning for having to 'talk this out'. Cause I feared, I told her, that I didn't want to go to bed and dream of some Gigantic sized mouse laying in a hospital bed with me trying to save it.

Pause.

And, we both snickered at that.

Because we can laugh at the dark while in the dark.

And, I think that has been our saving grace. So many times in life we just want to run away from what makes us afraid- and perhaps we can run for awhile...but certain things will find you and ultimately its easier to just 'sit' with it than to run off. And, alot of times if you sit with something, especially if you can talk freely with someone you trust, you can let the fear of something dissipate...and sometimes, you can even snicker at fear.

Now, I did lament in frustration..."Why, oh why, did the mouse have to die in MY room?" Oh! "And, why oh why did I have to be aware of its presence while it was IN the process of dying?" We were there when mom was dying and it was silent and curious with much going on within her. Too many similarities. No disrespect to my roommates but why couldn't that mouse have died in one of their rooms. Surely, it would not have had that kind of emotional impact for them. ARGHHH!, I expressed.

But, Jenn had a different take on this. She felt it was fitting that came where in its last moments, it could be- in its own way- acknowledged. That this just another notch on our day to day 'superhuman feats'. Life will not and could not be just generic anymore. Meaning is in everything even a mouse's death in my room. And, it poses to me cosmic coincidences not to recognize that it heralds something for me. What exactly I'm not sure of.

But I can tell you that to my knowledge, I've had no dreams of furry creatures tied up to IV's. Perhaps, its because I 'sat' with it. Took it in and let it out.

Detox

This coming Wednesday marks the 7 month mark. On that day, I plan to 're-dedicate' to my fitness goals. My fitness and health has been the one thing these seven months that has been my own little sanctuary. Perhaps, my commitment is due to the fact that my whole world shook beneath my feet. Working out, controlling what I put in my body has seemed to help me regain some sort of control- rooting me in myself. Its the one thing that I need not depend on for anyone else. I either do it or I don't.

And, I've been successful. Currently, I am the healthiest weight I've ever been as an adult. Like the grieving, I haven't been pressuring myself to diet hard core or meet a certain deadline. I have goals. I get excited when I meet them. When I don't, I revisit them the next day. My supreme goal is to be my healthy ideal weight by summer. But, every day is a new day- and I rest in that.

This past weekend I did a 'spring detox'. Only fruits and vegetables with limited grains for 3 days. I gave myself some little challenges (as if the fruit and veggie thing wasn't enough). I only ate a grain with my fruits and vegetables at breakfast and lunch- none after 3pm. My food cutoff was 8pm so my body could 'fast' till the next morning. No meat. No dairy. I still worked out- but listened to my body as to what I could feasibly due. And, as I settled in for my first meal of the detox- I impulsively decided to eat no meal during the 3 days with the television on. Just me and the meal. Intimate. Listening. Savoring.

Just now, I've finished my last meal of the fast-a vegan tofu salad with a spinach salad. Two minutes before 8pm, I downed the last of my freshly squeezed orange (dilute with much water). I sit and write feeling accomplished, hoping my insides are rebooted and toxin released. Fresh and functioning at maximum capacity.

That is not to say that toxic things did not surface throughout the few days. Some detox literature recommends writing during the journey to examine whatever comes up.
Well, much surfaced...

First, a dear relative of mine is struggling in every way with a toxin of their own. Fears and unwanted scenarios of what could happen surfaced in my daily thoughts. It all has brought me back to the hospital days with mom- having to learn on deck and at hand what is meant to fight for and what is meant to surrender. Though I'm clear as to how much I can offer and have set my own boundaries, I hurt nonetheless at knowing another loved one is in torment.

On a different note, I received an unexpected gift from the universe that has aided me closure and healing in another relationship. What was surprising and empowering about this gift is that I didn't need it. Sometimes we vehemently seek closure to a past situation or past wrong. Self-inflicted torment can ensure when we find the bows not all tied up neatly in a situation. What validated my soul was that I found that I was at a place where I had created my own closure with this situation, forgave (especially myself), and was enjoying the surrendering freedom. So, with that, I found the timing of the universe to be especially intriguing- A gift- because with this fresh hindsight I can see that the timing is precise- And- even better- perhaps, I received this bonus to reinforce the validity to letting go. That the surrendering journey I undertook was the 'cake' and that this extra gift was the 'icing'. Thanks, Universe. Lesson acknowledged.

Much has happened since my post of last month. I will try to update the significant. This can be a daunting thing when everything feels significant. But, this is part of the journey- Feeling completely, being rooted in the body, with the ability to gracefully let go.