We laugh in the dark.

A few nights ago, the most peculiar thing occurred.

I was watching Training Day in bed and it was approaching some time after 1am. During the movie, I thought I smelled something weird. After the time reached 1:30 am, I opted to finish the movie the next day. As soon as I turned the tv off and it retreated into instant darkness, I sat up and thought, "Mom's gone".

This happens alot. These pockets of moments where it hits you hard- the realization. Instead of distracting myself with a mad dash to prepare for bed, I decided to sit up on my bed and 'sit' with this. For a few moments, I went back into time to last summer till movement to my left caught my eye.

I winced, not fully looking but using my peripheral vision, already knowing what it was. I had reported a potential mouse sighting to one of my roommates nearly two weeks prior. I turned my head to get a look and there it was between my radiator and trash can. I adjusted my weight on the bed trying to decide if I was gonna make a mad dash to wake one of my roommates or sit tight to see the critters next move so I wouldn't lose its whereabouts. But, when I shifted, I was surprised it didn't scatter since they are so inclined to be freaked at the slightest noise or movement. And, that's when I peered closely. It was acting very unusual. In fact, it was writhing, turning over left and right, like it was having a bad dream. I looked even closer and could tell it was in some sort of pain though it made no sound. Then it hit me...

I was watching this mouse die.

I leaned back, but only a little, because still I was curious- having accepted this truth. It writhed a little more than curled into an upper case 'C'. Knowing that was it, I leapt from my bed in one movement, ran out of the door (with haste-I don't know why) and went to decide which of the 2 roommates I would wake. Hearing one's tv still on I knocked gently. He opened and I told him what happened. He got a glue trap (recently brought over by our exterminator along with traps and potential poison that was set out). My roommate planned to pick up the body with the glue trap. Before he did, he told me the mouse was definitely dead and that its eyes were dilated. And, out it went.

I called my sister immediately.

I recently took a Grief Dreams workshop and Jenn and I concluded that what we don't deal with in the waking world that truly affects us will just manifest later in the dream world- with the dreamer (a subconscious version of yourself) persistently trying to 'awaken' you to deal with what you didn't make time for. I tell my sister all that happened with the poor little critter including my reasoning for having to 'talk this out'. Cause I feared, I told her, that I didn't want to go to bed and dream of some Gigantic sized mouse laying in a hospital bed with me trying to save it.

Pause.

And, we both snickered at that.

Because we can laugh at the dark while in the dark.

And, I think that has been our saving grace. So many times in life we just want to run away from what makes us afraid- and perhaps we can run for awhile...but certain things will find you and ultimately its easier to just 'sit' with it than to run off. And, alot of times if you sit with something, especially if you can talk freely with someone you trust, you can let the fear of something dissipate...and sometimes, you can even snicker at fear.

Now, I did lament in frustration..."Why, oh why, did the mouse have to die in MY room?" Oh! "And, why oh why did I have to be aware of its presence while it was IN the process of dying?" We were there when mom was dying and it was silent and curious with much going on within her. Too many similarities. No disrespect to my roommates but why couldn't that mouse have died in one of their rooms. Surely, it would not have had that kind of emotional impact for them. ARGHHH!, I expressed.

But, Jenn had a different take on this. She felt it was fitting that came where in its last moments, it could be- in its own way- acknowledged. That this just another notch on our day to day 'superhuman feats'. Life will not and could not be just generic anymore. Meaning is in everything even a mouse's death in my room. And, it poses to me cosmic coincidences not to recognize that it heralds something for me. What exactly I'm not sure of.

But I can tell you that to my knowledge, I've had no dreams of furry creatures tied up to IV's. Perhaps, its because I 'sat' with it. Took it in and let it out.