Detox

This coming Wednesday marks the 7 month mark. On that day, I plan to 're-dedicate' to my fitness goals. My fitness and health has been the one thing these seven months that has been my own little sanctuary. Perhaps, my commitment is due to the fact that my whole world shook beneath my feet. Working out, controlling what I put in my body has seemed to help me regain some sort of control- rooting me in myself. Its the one thing that I need not depend on for anyone else. I either do it or I don't.

And, I've been successful. Currently, I am the healthiest weight I've ever been as an adult. Like the grieving, I haven't been pressuring myself to diet hard core or meet a certain deadline. I have goals. I get excited when I meet them. When I don't, I revisit them the next day. My supreme goal is to be my healthy ideal weight by summer. But, every day is a new day- and I rest in that.

This past weekend I did a 'spring detox'. Only fruits and vegetables with limited grains for 3 days. I gave myself some little challenges (as if the fruit and veggie thing wasn't enough). I only ate a grain with my fruits and vegetables at breakfast and lunch- none after 3pm. My food cutoff was 8pm so my body could 'fast' till the next morning. No meat. No dairy. I still worked out- but listened to my body as to what I could feasibly due. And, as I settled in for my first meal of the detox- I impulsively decided to eat no meal during the 3 days with the television on. Just me and the meal. Intimate. Listening. Savoring.

Just now, I've finished my last meal of the fast-a vegan tofu salad with a spinach salad. Two minutes before 8pm, I downed the last of my freshly squeezed orange (dilute with much water). I sit and write feeling accomplished, hoping my insides are rebooted and toxin released. Fresh and functioning at maximum capacity.

That is not to say that toxic things did not surface throughout the few days. Some detox literature recommends writing during the journey to examine whatever comes up.
Well, much surfaced...

First, a dear relative of mine is struggling in every way with a toxin of their own. Fears and unwanted scenarios of what could happen surfaced in my daily thoughts. It all has brought me back to the hospital days with mom- having to learn on deck and at hand what is meant to fight for and what is meant to surrender. Though I'm clear as to how much I can offer and have set my own boundaries, I hurt nonetheless at knowing another loved one is in torment.

On a different note, I received an unexpected gift from the universe that has aided me closure and healing in another relationship. What was surprising and empowering about this gift is that I didn't need it. Sometimes we vehemently seek closure to a past situation or past wrong. Self-inflicted torment can ensure when we find the bows not all tied up neatly in a situation. What validated my soul was that I found that I was at a place where I had created my own closure with this situation, forgave (especially myself), and was enjoying the surrendering freedom. So, with that, I found the timing of the universe to be especially intriguing- A gift- because with this fresh hindsight I can see that the timing is precise- And- even better- perhaps, I received this bonus to reinforce the validity to letting go. That the surrendering journey I undertook was the 'cake' and that this extra gift was the 'icing'. Thanks, Universe. Lesson acknowledged.

Much has happened since my post of last month. I will try to update the significant. This can be a daunting thing when everything feels significant. But, this is part of the journey- Feeling completely, being rooted in the body, with the ability to gracefully let go.