Six Month Mark

Today marks the six month mark. It feels like it went by so fast, to be honest. I feel like if I blink the year mark will be here before I know it. Today crept up on me, though I think my body knew it was coming.

Counseling offers advice on preparing for such occasions. There are a wealth of emotional days that are triggers throughout the year- holidays, her birthday, her deathday. They advise doing something she would have enjoyed, using the time to go through her things, finding some ritual to mark the moment. Knowing a 'day' is coming and preparing for it can ease the pain, so they say. So I try.

For myself, I've decided to make this six month mark a weekend event versus a day thing. Guess it started earlier this week when I gave myself a 'workout vacation', allowed myself to sleep in, and abandoned any activity that was not completely necessary for my survival. This weekend I want to reacquaint myself with the woman I encountered in September, days after her mother's funeral. She was fearless, raw, and on fire- all these- gifts. There are moments in your life with something tragic can light you on fire in every great way possible. Nothing can intimidate you, nothing is impossible. Since then, I've been very conscious of the ability to fall back into the 'matrix' of life, slowly digesting the 'blue pill' each day falling back into the Numbing Rituals of life when other Life Affirming Rituals should be instigated. Life is meant to be felt, deeply. I rather, quite vehemently, sustain a burning fire than have to have it re-ignited again and again by some life changing event. So, that's what I want to do this weekend. Stoke a fire. Tend to the embers. Give the flames room to breathe and just sit by the hearth. Watching it. Nurturing it.

Fire, when blazing unintended, can wreak havoc on its surroundings. So, I'm learning its best to slow down and respect it. Here, I see that fire can also be purifying. The pain, when not resisting it, can purifying in itself.

With that said, this still hurts so damn much.