I Pray In the Tub

There are just days before I leave. Back to my urban home. I miss it. Very much. But, I must say that anxiety is creeping upon me. Anxiety about leaving. I leave behind so much.

If told in advance that I would be spending a great portion of this year HERE in the south doing what I've done, I would have to been dragged kicking and screaming clawing anything within reach. Fortunately, I did not get that memo- hence, a bit more grace on my part. Coming home (Louisiana) always resurrects old and deep demons for me. Turbulence. Haunting remnants of the past. Very alive ghosts. Coming home always required much of me, much preparation, much prayers for strength.

And, though this trip has been the most painful of them all- I discovered hidden treasures. The beauty of true friends. The kind of friends that show up and are THERE when you need it- giving so freely gestures that do wonders for my spirit. Visiting with family and really listening to their stories- their trials, their triumphs, loves lost and gained. Being around for birthdays and gatherings. Eating so much comfort food that you are filled to the brim. Hearing distinct styles of talking only native to this region. Being pulled and called to slow down. Slow down with everything. Waiting in line, strolling, taking it easy. Watching sunsets unobstructed over fields and fields and fields.

All my senses are on fire, especially the ones unavailable to the naked eye. I don't know quite what to do with all of this raw feeling. Its not comforting to feel exposed. But, I feel I need to embrace all of this vulnerability. The only thing is- I hope to make good decisions out of this place. The kind of bold ones that people may question, but you feel secure about because they come unhinged and with absolute honesty. Because you are so exposed to your truest self underneath it all.

I suppose I should allow room for mistakes. Its just that mistakes now come at too high a price. Normal failures that I could shrug off carry much more of a blow because I am so weary.

So, I said a prayer. In the bathtub. I've been praying alot in the bathtub these days and will probably pray myself to sleep. I prayed for God to send me everything I need to get through this time. Strength, naturally. But, much more. I asked for the confidence to trust my instincts. I invited people in my life who will not require much from me but offer themselves freely and tenderly. I prayed to be equipped with an arsenal of supplies I'll need for these heavy days. Those supplies could come in the form of good movies, songs designed just for me, or just good company. I welcome it all. And, I told God that I expect all of this and more. Because it is a good thing to ask and an even greater thing to receive. Because it would be something he (and she) desires. So, I ask knowing it will come. Bountiful. In waves and waves and waves.

I prayed this. And, I feel calmer. I'll sleep tonight in the sea of this knowing.