One Bad Move...

So, the Big Move didn't go so well. Last minute, there were cancellations. I had a breaking moment. Fortunately, things and people came together. Though the move extended to an extra day, it got done. We are finished.
It was surreal cleaning the final touches to mom's apartment, mopping ourselves out.

Family tensions still brew. Anxiety rampant. Its been too long. Too much. Fighting for mom. Often fighting with each other. Needing family and also being around family too much. Big decisions. Little decisions. Huge consequences. Exhaustion beyond comprehension. Curve balls left and right. Always something.

Yesterday was bad. Another familial eruption. That was it for me. I'm done. Can't offer any more. I've reached my max. I'm there. A bill that I had was taken out of one of my accounts inappropriately. Had to make phone calls to clear it up. That was like running a marathon. I'm spent. So much to do, I can't even sit and grieve! Guess I have a lifetime for that. I'm one bad occurrence from a mental breakdown.

I wrote last night in my journal what I want. I want to be away from here. I want to exist elsewhere, preferably not in the physical world. Somewhere beyond. I want to exist in a time where mom is neither died nor is dead. I want everyone I love and care about to be content, but not necessarily near me. I want to be away. No responsibilities. No obligations. Wearing no masks. Near no one asking me how i feel. No one telling me 'your mother isn't suffering anymore'. I want to be away from people. Or, if there is people- let them require nothing of me. Just be there. I want to go where I can be raw and vulnerable in the presence of all things tender. I want to just be. Not even be myself. I'm a wreck. I want to just BE.

I want life to let me be.