Yesterday evening, my sister had a change of heart. Mom's blood pressure dropped as expected when she was taken off her meds. We waited. We were told that once the drugs reached their half life, she might fade quickly. We sat next to her and held her hands. One of us on each side. And, we waited. And, it was painful. ICU let us break the rules and stay there all day. But, then she opened her eyes and began talking. Mostly incoherent mumble. We had sung songs to her while she rested, one of them "Raindrops keep falling on my head...". She came to and asked for raindrops. She wanted them on her head. She cried alot. Sounded confused. Her speaking and being responsive is an unusual with her blood pressure that low. Even the nurses found it peculiar. But, that has always been Mom. Defying odds. Jennifer felt strongly that it was a sign to resume her medications. For without the medications, it meant sure imminent death. Her organs would begin to fail. With the medications, she at least stood a fighting chance. And, though we had agreed earlier in the day to aid her decline, mom's speaking became a gift- and to Jennifer- a sign. I deferred to Jennifer to make the call. I was against resuming her meds. Even if she were to pull through, I asked myself, "At what cost? What would be her quality of life?" These were concerns for Jennifer, as well, but she felt that at least if mom passed, it was not due to us depriving her of a stepping stone. And, Jennifer wanted to be heard. So, I listened to her. And, I deferred the call to her- mostly for her. And, I thought, "I have no problem eating humble pie and being wrong if this turns out differently then expected." So, mom's medications resumed.
Mom pulled through the night. Her pressure is higher, though nowhere near stable. I slept in later, heavy. I opted to go to the 1pm visit rather than the morning. Jennifer went to the 9am. She spoke with Doctor Del Toro. Without the meds, he said she would die 100%. With meds, she is 80% certain to die. It just may take days rather than hours. Jenn thanked him for his diligence. He said he imagined mom as if she were his mother and what he would want to do if that were the case. To mom's sheer delight he wrote a prescription for 'no more baths'. These have been painful experiences, hellish experiences she would dread twice daily. He also asked her if she needed anything else. She wanted ice chips. He said that was fine. "Anything you want". She will be moved to a regular room where visiting can commence anytime and for however long. Mom's grandchild will be able to see her. We are trying to make her as supremely comfortable as possible. She will continue to be on antibiotics, and pain medicine. However, the blood pressure medications have been stopped.
It was emotional, but we found out that she will be allowed to have food (instead of just the tube) and asked mom what she wanted to eat. Nothing is off limits. It was excruciatingly real and painful to know that you and your sister are planning your mother's last meals. On some levels, we feel certain that mom knows that she won't leave the hospital- even amidst her confusion. Oh, by the way, mom desires Popeyes Fried Chicken. We will get her some mashed potatoes and rice dressing on the side. And, she will be able to enjoy a much coveted soda. That is our plan.
We will post what her new room number will be. Come at your leisure. And, we continue to welcome good energy, prayers, and support.
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